Thoughts and wonders in a ordinary life

In this post I want to say something about being patient. It something that everyone has to learn some day, but it is never easy to manage in every aspect. Sometimes I can be quite patient with people and never actually get pist off or do something stupid, but other times there is nearly nothing that can control me. What makes me wanting to write about this? Well, the last year has been filled with test of my patients in several ways. The first test was the time it took to get to know knew people here in Oslo, to establish a safe and pleasant network around me. It took a while and a lot of work and pain, but everything worked out in the end or at least starting to fall in place. Along with this is the time it took to make Oslo my new hometown, the time it took to get going in my new job and to find new hobbies and to find a good place to live. The last one is just recently come in place (and is still not completely), because I didn’t get a spot at the student home when I moved to Oslo last autumn. I had to wait until last week to move there. By doing that I made some more obstacles for me, because I don’t know any one at my new home and in some aspect have to do most of the work all over again. Well you get the picture. The thing is that I have lately thought through alt these things and figured out that I have become more patient and happy after I moved to Oslo and started to find my place. Why you might ask? Well, my past isn’t the brightest one and I have experienced some stuff that is not that great, but I will let that stay in the past for now.

Although I can explain in what way I have changed into a happier person. The first thing is that before I would have thrown myself at any boy that showed any form of interest in me, but now, even though I have been single for a while, I don’t feel the great need to always get it confirmed that I’m attractive. There is offcourse several things that explain this; one of them is that I have good friends around me and that I have realized that I’m doing all right by myself. I don’t need a boy to tell me that I’m great; I have myself to do that. On the other side I feel that right now it is important for me to figure out how I am before trying to adjust to another person.

The other factor is that I am doing what I love the most, which is dancing, swimming, studying, hanging out with friends and doing everything else that makes life pleasant. The short version, I’m living the life that I have been dreaming of for a long time. And it is better than I had imagined and it has taken a shorter time than what I had imagined. What does this have to do with patients? Well, it shows that if one is patient things will become better and life will get a clear and bright meaning. Because if I had rushed everything, there is a big chance that things wouldn’t be the way they are now and I would have to experience more unnecessary pain.

And right in the end, I’m going to mention my latest patient test vaguely. It is offcourse a boy, but this time things are different. I’m more careful this time and trying really hard not to rush things (which I have done too many times with other guys). I just have to take a deep breath and let time do its work.

Been a while now, but here is something for you to think about in the easter. (sorry for those that don't know norwegian)

It's dedicated to all of those that don't have a safe and supporting environment around them, those that have only them self to trust and rely on.

Have a happy easter, and take care of all those that you love!

En ny start:
Vinden kommer lurende
Blåser gjennom alt
Sender et kaldt støtt gjennom hjertet
Hun skjelver

Uforutsigbarheten skremmer
Hun vil bare glemme
Vinden har stilnet
Men kulden vil ikke forsvinne

Alle tårer er frosset
Følelsene er livløse
Hun er blek
Men ingen ser det

Tryggheten er fraværende
Hun vakler
Ingen der til å fange
Hjertet stopper

Hun er så liten
Ensom og alene
Du forsøker å forstå
Hun tviler

Hva vet vel du?
Om det å starte på nytt
Smerten, utryggheten og savnet
Etter et normalt liv

Likevel ønsker hun ingen
Den samme opplevelsen
Slitasjen og skammen
Som er i stand til å drepe
En hver glede…

First I hope that it is ok with you readers that I don’t post so often. I just sometimes don’t have anything to write or I just don’t have the time. Things are just like that.

So, what’s going on? Well I have been to Azerbaijan with some students from my studies. Or, well, some is a bit misleading we were 30 people… I was actually one of the leaders on the trip. It was an amazing trip (apart from me getting sick). The country is a wonderful mix of eastern and western cultures (European, Asian, Islamic, Russian, Turkish and Caucasus), the best from all of them. If I where to tell you more, it would be a long essay, so you just have to wait until I write my travelling diary finished.

What I really want to write about is my current social situation. If you haven’t already understood that I’m currently going through some stuff, well I am. The situation is that I have for the second time in my life, in a quite short time (3 years), started my life over. What I mean by that is the fact that I have left behind all of those people that I no more want to be a part of my life and moved to a new place. Why you might ask, well, let just say that I haven’t had the best luck in my life. Its now half a year since I moved, and I still feel that I haven’t really found my place here. I can’t say that I feel people know who I really am, because there’s none of my new friends that I can really be completely open towards. Is that so bad? Well, when you don’t feel in place and understood, it is not easy to feel secure. It is not that I don’t know who I am, or what I want, it is more the fact that I know that I don’t want to start over again.

So what have a lately realized? I have realized that one of the reasons for why I feel out of place is the fact that I give more than I get. I have a very low limit to devote myself to someone, or to help someone (I don’t have to have known them for so long). And if I do that, I in some way expect the same back, but it is obvious not common to be that helpful before one know the person better. That is a letdown every time it happens, though I don’t want to change. I just wish that people knew me better, so that I could experience the same helpfulness back. And when it comes to that, I just have to learn of my mistakes and rise up every time I fall. That means that I will try to be calmer and let people want to know me, and not always run. I should stop trying to convince people into liking me, and let them try to convince me that they are interested in me. That will make my life a bit more relaxing and better in many ways. If you disagree, well tell me!

Well I think that is all for now. To be continued….

Today, as many other days, I realised that I can never appreciate my friends enough. I just amazes how we allow people to become a large part of our lives, and how much we are willing to sacrifice for those persons. It may sound wired that I actually are thinking of such a definite part of our lives. But I like to believe that I know something about living when it isn’t a definite part of your life, or at least just say something about the fact that it occurs to quite a lot of people.
What made me realize this today? Well I have been thinking of it sometime, especially when I have been talking to some of my friends about other friends of them (not in a negative way). And I realized that quite a few of my friends still have a lot of contact with their childhood friends. For me it is something that I can’t relate to, because I don’t have contact with any of my childhood friends. It may sound a bit sorrowing, but not everyone can be a lucky bastard when it comes to the society you live in. The point that I’m trying to make is that when people talk about who much fun they are still having with their friends, is that one should take things like that for granted. And when people ask me about my old friends, well, it’s a bit hard to tell the truth.
That’s why I fell that I never can appreciate my friends enough, because I know how much richer and greater my life is with them, than without them. This is a bit soft and deep subject, but what do you expect from a post at half past 12 in the night?

Dear readers, if you are still there.
I it has been a while since last time I wrote something, and there are several reasons for it. First I have been travelling with my family to Australia. Spent all of December there. Then I came home, and got really sick, or more correctly even sicker than I had been before. And after that everything has just been really hectic.

But at last, I’m finally writing, and I have been missing it. So what has been on my mind lately? Well, I have realised that about a year ago I would never seen it as realistic to live the life I am living now. The fact that I have good friends around me, living nicely and happily in oslo, having a great job, and actually doing well at the uni. Even though I don’t have the big L in my life, I know that things will come by it self one time, and then things will be hopefully even better.
And after my visit to Australia, found out that I am, no matter what going to study in Australia, because is there some place that I fell is my home, it is that country. It is hard to explain, but I just feel much calmer and more peace at mind when I stayed there. I just love that country. It may have something to do with the fact that half my family live there, and that I really bonded with my cousins and aunts. But it may be also the way of living there, the climate and the landscape. It’s magic.

Hopefully it wont be that longe until next time I post again.

The last couple of days I’m been having it quite a lot to do, with one exam done, at last meeting my best friend, going to the movies with a friend and studying for my next exam. I’m tired, both in mind and body, but in some strange way a bit lighter by mind. What? Ok, let me explain.

First I had my first uni exam, and I believe that it went quite well. Secondly I meet, as I said, at last my best friend. I think it’s over several months since last, and that was only for a couple of minutes. Even though we didn’t spend much time together, the little we had was all I needed to smile the rest of the day and the next. You may wonder why he is my best friend when we meet so seldom. The fact that when we first get to see each other, it is worth the waiting, is my reason. Some friends are just like that. The next thing that has played a part of my strange enlightenment was when I had a talk with my friend before the movie. What I realized was that this half-year has not been easy on me. The fact that I broke up from my old place, starting at the uni (where I have been feeling a bit out of place), experiencing that things wasn’t like I thought they would be, getting my heart broken, being let down several times and not feeling that I was cooping with anything has not made my life easy. To not feel secure, knowing that thinks would turn out all right has caused some sleepless nights. Can’t deny that, and I’m sorry if I’m letting down someone now, but I can’t lie?
It is not that I don’t have people around me that cares, but when all of my friends either lives another place or is to busy to keep me company when I really need it. Like to night, my mind is not very kind to me, and I could really need something to keep the thoughts go away. But, hey! I’m not looking for any pity here, just so you know. I’m only expressing what most people feel, but are afraid to admit.

Why have this enlighten me? Well, I have realized that I will grow a lot on this, and therefore thinks will turn out all right. At least, I hope and believe so.

And thanks for comments on my poem, I need it to develop further in my little poetry world.

Good night, I’m exhausted.

First I just want to say thanks for the replies here and other places. It means a lot :)

I'm not going to write much now, because I'm studying for my first uni exam tomorrow. All I want to do is to publish this poem:

Wrong

I've lost the faith
In a boys ability to love
The fact that I no more
Can see&
A real boy falling love with me

You might laugh and think I'm wired
but that's a fact
because what I see
on the movie screen
is not reality to me

Still I'm young and naive
with no experience in the bigger leap
yet it seems even though
I don't have the trust
Falling love is still a must

My heart is pleading me
to take it out of it's misery
Because every time I see you
All I want is to
For once be wrong

Comment:
Well, I wrote this when I wasn't having the best day, and had just seen a soapy, overromantic movie. You may see some of it in the poem. There is not much more I can say about it, cause it speaks for it self. After I had written this poem, I just scribbled a little on the same paper, and this dialouge appered:

- I think I could love you
- You deserve better
- But at the moment I can't do better
- Still you need love
- I know, I'm hopeless
- Someone loves you
- Who?
- Me.

The last couple of months my body hasn’t really been my friend. It has been a real pain in the ass and not made my life easy. It complains even though I give it the best care ever and spoil it away with all those healthy things: good food, exercise, nursing and massage. But still it’s complaining! Spoiled brat I just say…

So today when I was walking home, after spending this nice evening with a good friend, eating sushi, melon and other good stuff; I realized something. It is my life, my body. I own my on body, and therefore I’m the ruler of this body. That means that if I’m stuffed up with having problems, I can overrule it all and demand that everything is going to be nice. I can say no to my stomachs complaining and say that I don’t wanna hear another word from it, I can say that my back and knees can just forget to be a pain in the ass. It is my life, my body and I rule over it! I’m almighty! Yeah.
Oh that felt good, and I’m going to take back the control over my own body. No more funny feelings, no more hurting and aching. It just have to deal with it and except the way I live my life, cause it is not a bad one.

Good night and sleep well! And don’t forget to take control of your own body ;)

... all alone in this world? 'Cause it seems like that sometimes. There are moments where I never get a reply from anyone, no phone call, no textmessage and just workmail... Or probably it is just me, being silly or not interesting enough. yeah, for all I know, I'm the only person that reads this. But that is not that a big loss, 'cause I'm writing this mostly for myself. My way of emptying my head of thoughts.

But if you hear me/read this, could you please be so kind and let me know that I am not alone in this world. not to be stupid or strange, I'm just living up to my human needs...

Finally I have time to write a post. The last week has been insane! And this is going to be a long post… yeah, that is the way it goes when you postpone everything. I’m a bad blogger… But I’m not planning to be best either!

So what have happen since last post? A lot. For starter I was at a Halloween party with a friend of mine. I’m no big fan of American traditions, and I went mostly to get out of the house and to meet some new people. Little did I know that this evening where going to be quite tiresome and expensive. What I learned from this night was 1. I should have taken the last train home, so I didn’t have to use 400 kr on a taxi, 2. I’m finally prioritizing myself and have learned to set lines. With out going in to details, what I mean by that is that I’m starting, and then I just mean starting, to think of myself in some cases, without feeling guilty of doing so. What a relief! And how exhausted I was after that night, even though I where back home about 2 o’clock.

The next day I had a wonderful walk with a friend of mine, where we talked about everything and nothing. It is so nice to sometimes just be present and not do anything special, just to walk around stand in the middle of a roundabout and look at fountains. Just to kid around without any goals. Lovely! By the way – I’d love a professional camera!

The next big thing is of cause the election in the US. The reason why I haven’t mentioned it, is that even though I’m hugely interested, I didn’t feel it fitted in to the context, until now. I went to this kinda “valgvake” – election get together, first at the main student place, where I meet some people from my studies. Later on we walked up to my institute, where we joined some people at another election get together. At 2 o’clock the place closed, so we figured out that we had to find a place to follow the rest. About an hour later I was sitting in a bed with one guy from my studies, and to exchange students, one American and one Australian. The last to are totally nerds on the election, and I had so much fun asking about everything I wondered about. They know everything, like which county that was important in which state. So I could really not have been in better company! The best part was when it was clear that Obama had won. I have no words for it, it was just amazing to watch the speech and sit in the bed with three guys about 5-6 in the morning. Memories for a lifetime! The best, and most funniest part was when I came home and discovered that my landlord had forgot to take his key out of the lock, so that I had to wait 45 min. until he woke up. But it was worth it!

My last big event is this weekend that has newly passed by. I attended a course that focused on how people react in different situations, with main focus on the social life in the organisation I’m active in – Juvente. But the most interesting part of it was when a new good friend of mine told her lifestory infront of everyone. With out saying anything detailed about it, it was an amazing story, and not in the positive direction. I really was shocked and taken aback about those things she have been trough. That is a strong person! And it made me think through my life and that I to often forget to value my friends and the life I have. And when we had a session on how important it is to value yourself and think positive, I felt that I finally have a the right tools to put my life in place and tame the part of me that want so deeply to spoil everything good I have in my life. So I wanna direct a huge gratitude to those that lectured under this course and that have worked out this idea to direct young people into living a better and more enlightened life. To learn people to care about themselves and the once that are close them, is one of the greatest courses and gifts one can get in life. I look upon it as a great help to live a happier and easier life.
What I’m trying to say here is that this weekend has changed my life, and a lot more than what I can barely see now. The effects will first show in a while when I have let things sink in and take a place in my brain and heart.

Before I say good night, I just want to thank everyone that cares about me for doing so. To know that I have people around me that love me, is the best knowledge a person can go to sleep with. You all will always have a special place in my heart!

Good night, and dream about all those extraordinary people in your life that love you!

Today I can go to sleep and feel that there is not (nearly) anything that could have done this day any better. Why? Cause today I have done a lot of important things and also enjoyed myself!
So what have happened, well, this morning I stood up, watched one episode of “Chuck”, then fixed the topping for my cake that I would later fix for my work. When I came to work I packed and sent out 37 letters, which I did at the same time as I watched another episode of “Chuck”. Then I went to our lunch, which was kinda special because the kitchen is finally finished. There I got to catch up with to really good friends. Afterwards I finished the cake that I had made for our 5th anniversary of the organisation. I finished and sent also a letter about a study trip that I’m planning with some others for our studies. But I didn’t attend the actual anniversary, cause then I had to go to a meeting about the alcohol politics in Oslo. There I enjoyed 2 hours of totally humiliation of a politician that should never have been put in the position of forming the alcohol political plan in Oslo. And it was not only organisations that pointed out the flaws, but also the police (indirect), researchers, other politicians and so on. It was just lovely, and about time the person got to know what a bad job she had done!
After that I went back to work, talked a bit to a friend of mine, where we discussed what we should do to activate more people in the organisation up in north. A really interesting conversation. Then a friend of me that I haven’t seen for over a half year came to the office and we went out to take a coffee. I was really nice to catch up and get to know each other better. We talked about everything and nothing, just wonderful. When he had to leave, I went to a friend of mine, which I had planed dinner with, and made a delicious dish of trout, with sauce and vegies. We talked and watched two episodes of “Chuck”, which we ended up being quite silly and girlish about as the hours passed by.
And well home, there lays a packed to me, that turns out to be my birthday/Christmas present – wool socks from my aunt! I just love wool socks, and especially since my old ones are getting a bit raggy.

So my day has really been great, and I think that now I can finally go to bed, and sleep really well. I deserve it!

Good night to all my friends, love you guys <3

Lately I have had this irritating habit of taking everything the wrong way. Like when people say things will get better, I make it into: “Shut up/stop whining/I’m sick of you” and so on. And I know it myself that it isn’t right. But it feels like I have this little devil inside that just wants me to twist and turn everything, to offend and hurt. I just want to choke that part of me.
But I’m not going to talk about how I will takle it, ‘cause I really don’t know. All I wanna do is to say sorry to those that I might have hurt, cause I didn’t mean to.

The other day I had this long discussion with a girl that have travelled around Australia. The thing we disagreed on was which place was the best to live at, Norway or Australia - a totally subjective discussion. She meant that the people in Australia where great and warmer than Norwegians, but the down side was that the society weren’t that great, cause you had to go to a private school, and there weren’t any health security. I pointed out that still if Norway had a health security, it didn’t mean that it is any good. And the fact that you don’t have many alternatives to the public schools is not great, when the system sucks. Basically she valued the way Norway is built up, with health security, free schools, and low proportion of unemployment, and I valued the way people treat each other on a friendly basis. My point with this is that I realized that there is a big difference between people and what they value. This isn’t the first time I have meet people that focus more on the way society is built up, than the importance of great friends and pleasant people. Maybe it comes from the fact that they haven’t really experienced to be frozen out of a society, or to just stand there with out any support. Yeah, it is important to know that you get an education, and that if you became ill you would be taken care of. Still, is it more important than to have some on that stand by you and care for you? No, at least that is what I think.
And that’s why I long to move to Australia, when I’m done travelling the world and working in 3. World countries. Why? It’s because my family is down there. I can’t take the cold society that is here in Norway, the fact that people are more interested in them selves and what they have around themselves, than to care for others. Maybe I just have meet the wrong people, but that is my general impression of the Norwegian culture. Still I have great friends here in Norway, not going to forget/hide that fact, and I love them all. It’s not going to be easy saying goodbye to them, but I know that good friends keep contact, even if you live on the other side of the world. I don’t have to look longer than to my mom, which have on a regular basis contact with here friends home in Australia.
And, I’m not saying that others can’t have a great life in Norway, it is that I don’t believe that I can.
Last and at least – I deserve a good life! I know that, and going to do my best to have it. Not going to be stoped by those that believe they know what is best for me, cause they feel that I label Norway as a bad country, and then indirect them. Well if they can’t look longer then their nose, so be it!

Bad news! The Streets concert is cancelled....and I'm been really looking forward to this. Been bugging everyone to joine and stuff... quite a let down.

yeah, yeah. A saturday evening for one isn't that bad ;)

My life is in a bit of a chaotic stage, or at least that is my impression. It just seems like I not going to figure things out at the first. And it’s tiring me, making nearly impossible to just sit quietly and enjoy ones existence, or being able to sleep well. I really dislike the feeling I keep having each morning, that I-know-I-have-had-a-bad-dream-but-can’t-remember-it-feeling. But, hey! What can I do with it? Thinking doesn’t seem to work, and talking just make me more uncertain, ‘cause then I start thinking if people might think I’m crazy… hmmm, it’s not easy. But I guess it’s just a part of being 19th years old, new at a place, trying to find my place and everything. It will be interesting to look back in a year or something to realize how “young” and unexperienced I am now.

One thing I know is that I probably should find something else to talk about than myself, ‘cause that’s all I talk about at the moment, here and elsewhere.

Yesterday, my best mate called me. It has been a while since we have talked, and it was great just to talk about everything and nothing. I really admire him, ‘cause he is doing so many great things at the same time. He is just amazing! He is the kind of guy most people at a first glance can mistake for being bold and rude, but when you get to know him, you can’t understand that someone can be so great. He has real style, humour, looks, and know the way to get things the way he likes it. But that is not all! On the other side he is this kind, gentle, considering and appreciate those small, meaningful things that most people forget. And he is also a really great big brother for his siblings. This is not the first time I give him compliments, but I just don’t seem to be tired of it. There are so many things to be said about him, but still it can’t really describe how lucky I feel to know him and have him as my friend.

And at the end: I’m really looking forward to this Saturday! The Streets concert =) And I really recommend the newest album – Everything is Borrowed

To day I have only one thing to say:
"I wish that the older me could tell me what to do now, 'cause it seems like I always know what to do, a year later…”

It's been a while since I last wrote, and I have several reasons for it too! First my Internet at home is living it’s own life, next I’m been writing my home exam in exphil and last I haven’t had much to write about. My head is a bit empty at the moment…or more correctly; I haven’t been able to get my head around things so that I could ponder over it. But know I have.
First, I just did something I have been postponing for a while… I finally dared to try to clear up some of my relations. Just hoping/not hoping that I get an answer.

Otherwise I finally feel that I’m tackling to be a student, cause before I’m been quite unsure. The fact that I managed to complete my assignment is a great support. So at the moment I’m quite reveled. Yet I feel quite small in this world, and I get daily proof that I am. Like when someone really big and tall passes you by, and you think for yourself that you wouldn’t have a chance against that person, it’s quite scary. Even though, I know that in some way I’m still important in this world for someone, and that makes me sleep tight every night.

What I think I’m trying to say is that the last couple of weeks I have had a lot happening to me, and that it have made me think. I’m not finished thinking, and I believe it will take some time before I have managed to clear my head from all the caos. Yet one happy thing that has occurred lately is that I’m starting to write lyrics again. I can at last express myself in the way that is most natural for me, through poems and lyrics. Maybe soon I will publish a webpage for all of my texts. Time will show.

If you think that it is a bit wired that I tell so much about my feelings and my situation, just get used to it. I that kind of human being that values that we have emotions (I’m not an emo, I’m just human) and actually thinks it is a bit sad that the society we live in look upon feelings as some kind of weakness. For me it is a strength to know how you feel in different situations, and being able to stand for those feelings. And at least be able to be true to your friends and telling them how you really feel, and not hide behind that “doing fine-stuff”.

So I am that kin of person that focus on my feelings, cause it is a natural part of that I’m not ashamed of. But hey, it can get to much some times for others, just that when it does, I know people will say it to me.

Good morning by the way, the sun is shining!

Yesterday I wished to change some of my habits when it comes to my reasons for calling friends. Cause I have a trend to only call friends when I need to know something or if I have to talk about something that is a bit hard and difficult. The last thing goes mostly for my best friends, which I don’t see often, because they live either in other towns or are really busy, so it is difficult to see them in person.

The last week I have promised a really good friend of mine, that I will call him, but I have had to postpone it, because I have been really busy, which isn’t seldom for me. Finally I had the time to call yesterday, right before I was going to sleep. He was a bit surprised and I heard on his voice that he was worried that something was wrong, and that I was going to confess it to him. Not in the way that it would be a burden, but more the way that he had been worried for me, since I had said that I was going to call. But this time he didn’t have to worry. Cause I called to say that my life finally was quite nice, and I was enjoying it!

This caught him a bit by a surprise, not the fact that I have a good life, but that I did bother to call him and tell it. Cause he is used to when someone call him, and not only me, but others too, they want to talk about things that trouble them. So he really liked the idea that I just called to say that I was doing fine and wasn’t troubled.
The reason for way I called was to let him know that he hadn’t to worry about me, cause he is the kind of person that thinks a lot about those that are close to him, and therefore use a lot of his strength on others then himself. I’m really grateful for the fact that he does this, cause it helps a lot to remind myself that someone care, and that’s why I thought it would be a nice favour to make those worries smaller, so that he could use his efforts on himself and others that need it more. In some ways I feel it is my duty to tell people close to me that I’m doing fine, cause that in some ways show that their concerns are valued and appreciated.

So to all my friends that has been worrying about me, thank you for your thoughts and help to make my life better. It worked; I’m enjoying and loving life more than ever! I will always remember what you guys have done for me. Love you all!

To day I had some fun with looking up on the Internet what my name means. There where several explanations, but the ones that where most common was Inger = beautiful and daughter of a hero. Quite nice to be associated with those things, and it made me think over the fact. The hero I am supposed to be a daughter of must be my mom. Cause to me she is a heroine. All those things she has done and has gone trough is something anybody will admire, unless you are a senseless person. So my name is quite true when it comes to that explanation.

The other one, I can’t say anything about, except that at least I don’t deny it ;) And this remind me of something I came over one time, when I was quite bored. In the older version of German, Inger means hagfish (slimål). That is a joke I take when people complain that I’m to slippery to catch or to stubborn. And in Swedish, I am a lodger, or in Finnish where I am a member of western Finnish people formerly living in the Baltic province where Saint Petersburg was built.

So there is a lot of fun trying to find out what your name means, and in some ways fit you quite well. At least, how easy you can twist it to fit you.