Thoughts and wonders in a ordinary life

In this post I want to say something about being patient. It something that everyone has to learn some day, but it is never easy to manage in every aspect. Sometimes I can be quite patient with people and never actually get pist off or do something stupid, but other times there is nearly nothing that can control me. What makes me wanting to write about this? Well, the last year has been filled with test of my patients in several ways. The first test was the time it took to get to know knew people here in Oslo, to establish a safe and pleasant network around me. It took a while and a lot of work and pain, but everything worked out in the end or at least starting to fall in place. Along with this is the time it took to make Oslo my new hometown, the time it took to get going in my new job and to find new hobbies and to find a good place to live. The last one is just recently come in place (and is still not completely), because I didn’t get a spot at the student home when I moved to Oslo last autumn. I had to wait until last week to move there. By doing that I made some more obstacles for me, because I don’t know any one at my new home and in some aspect have to do most of the work all over again. Well you get the picture. The thing is that I have lately thought through alt these things and figured out that I have become more patient and happy after I moved to Oslo and started to find my place. Why you might ask? Well, my past isn’t the brightest one and I have experienced some stuff that is not that great, but I will let that stay in the past for now.

Although I can explain in what way I have changed into a happier person. The first thing is that before I would have thrown myself at any boy that showed any form of interest in me, but now, even though I have been single for a while, I don’t feel the great need to always get it confirmed that I’m attractive. There is offcourse several things that explain this; one of them is that I have good friends around me and that I have realized that I’m doing all right by myself. I don’t need a boy to tell me that I’m great; I have myself to do that. On the other side I feel that right now it is important for me to figure out how I am before trying to adjust to another person.

The other factor is that I am doing what I love the most, which is dancing, swimming, studying, hanging out with friends and doing everything else that makes life pleasant. The short version, I’m living the life that I have been dreaming of for a long time. And it is better than I had imagined and it has taken a shorter time than what I had imagined. What does this have to do with patients? Well, it shows that if one is patient things will become better and life will get a clear and bright meaning. Because if I had rushed everything, there is a big chance that things wouldn’t be the way they are now and I would have to experience more unnecessary pain.

And right in the end, I’m going to mention my latest patient test vaguely. It is offcourse a boy, but this time things are different. I’m more careful this time and trying really hard not to rush things (which I have done too many times with other guys). I just have to take a deep breath and let time do its work.

Been a while now, but here is something for you to think about in the easter. (sorry for those that don't know norwegian)

It's dedicated to all of those that don't have a safe and supporting environment around them, those that have only them self to trust and rely on.

Have a happy easter, and take care of all those that you love!

En ny start:
Vinden kommer lurende
Blåser gjennom alt
Sender et kaldt støtt gjennom hjertet
Hun skjelver

Uforutsigbarheten skremmer
Hun vil bare glemme
Vinden har stilnet
Men kulden vil ikke forsvinne

Alle tårer er frosset
Følelsene er livløse
Hun er blek
Men ingen ser det

Tryggheten er fraværende
Hun vakler
Ingen der til å fange
Hjertet stopper

Hun er så liten
Ensom og alene
Du forsøker å forstå
Hun tviler

Hva vet vel du?
Om det å starte på nytt
Smerten, utryggheten og savnet
Etter et normalt liv

Likevel ønsker hun ingen
Den samme opplevelsen
Slitasjen og skammen
Som er i stand til å drepe
En hver glede…

First I hope that it is ok with you readers that I don’t post so often. I just sometimes don’t have anything to write or I just don’t have the time. Things are just like that.

So, what’s going on? Well I have been to Azerbaijan with some students from my studies. Or, well, some is a bit misleading we were 30 people… I was actually one of the leaders on the trip. It was an amazing trip (apart from me getting sick). The country is a wonderful mix of eastern and western cultures (European, Asian, Islamic, Russian, Turkish and Caucasus), the best from all of them. If I where to tell you more, it would be a long essay, so you just have to wait until I write my travelling diary finished.

What I really want to write about is my current social situation. If you haven’t already understood that I’m currently going through some stuff, well I am. The situation is that I have for the second time in my life, in a quite short time (3 years), started my life over. What I mean by that is the fact that I have left behind all of those people that I no more want to be a part of my life and moved to a new place. Why you might ask, well, let just say that I haven’t had the best luck in my life. Its now half a year since I moved, and I still feel that I haven’t really found my place here. I can’t say that I feel people know who I really am, because there’s none of my new friends that I can really be completely open towards. Is that so bad? Well, when you don’t feel in place and understood, it is not easy to feel secure. It is not that I don’t know who I am, or what I want, it is more the fact that I know that I don’t want to start over again.

So what have a lately realized? I have realized that one of the reasons for why I feel out of place is the fact that I give more than I get. I have a very low limit to devote myself to someone, or to help someone (I don’t have to have known them for so long). And if I do that, I in some way expect the same back, but it is obvious not common to be that helpful before one know the person better. That is a letdown every time it happens, though I don’t want to change. I just wish that people knew me better, so that I could experience the same helpfulness back. And when it comes to that, I just have to learn of my mistakes and rise up every time I fall. That means that I will try to be calmer and let people want to know me, and not always run. I should stop trying to convince people into liking me, and let them try to convince me that they are interested in me. That will make my life a bit more relaxing and better in many ways. If you disagree, well tell me!

Well I think that is all for now. To be continued….

Today, as many other days, I realised that I can never appreciate my friends enough. I just amazes how we allow people to become a large part of our lives, and how much we are willing to sacrifice for those persons. It may sound wired that I actually are thinking of such a definite part of our lives. But I like to believe that I know something about living when it isn’t a definite part of your life, or at least just say something about the fact that it occurs to quite a lot of people.
What made me realize this today? Well I have been thinking of it sometime, especially when I have been talking to some of my friends about other friends of them (not in a negative way). And I realized that quite a few of my friends still have a lot of contact with their childhood friends. For me it is something that I can’t relate to, because I don’t have contact with any of my childhood friends. It may sound a bit sorrowing, but not everyone can be a lucky bastard when it comes to the society you live in. The point that I’m trying to make is that when people talk about who much fun they are still having with their friends, is that one should take things like that for granted. And when people ask me about my old friends, well, it’s a bit hard to tell the truth.
That’s why I fell that I never can appreciate my friends enough, because I know how much richer and greater my life is with them, than without them. This is a bit soft and deep subject, but what do you expect from a post at half past 12 in the night?

Dear readers, if you are still there.
I it has been a while since last time I wrote something, and there are several reasons for it. First I have been travelling with my family to Australia. Spent all of December there. Then I came home, and got really sick, or more correctly even sicker than I had been before. And after that everything has just been really hectic.

But at last, I’m finally writing, and I have been missing it. So what has been on my mind lately? Well, I have realised that about a year ago I would never seen it as realistic to live the life I am living now. The fact that I have good friends around me, living nicely and happily in oslo, having a great job, and actually doing well at the uni. Even though I don’t have the big L in my life, I know that things will come by it self one time, and then things will be hopefully even better.
And after my visit to Australia, found out that I am, no matter what going to study in Australia, because is there some place that I fell is my home, it is that country. It is hard to explain, but I just feel much calmer and more peace at mind when I stayed there. I just love that country. It may have something to do with the fact that half my family live there, and that I really bonded with my cousins and aunts. But it may be also the way of living there, the climate and the landscape. It’s magic.

Hopefully it wont be that longe until next time I post again.

The last couple of days I’m been having it quite a lot to do, with one exam done, at last meeting my best friend, going to the movies with a friend and studying for my next exam. I’m tired, both in mind and body, but in some strange way a bit lighter by mind. What? Ok, let me explain.

First I had my first uni exam, and I believe that it went quite well. Secondly I meet, as I said, at last my best friend. I think it’s over several months since last, and that was only for a couple of minutes. Even though we didn’t spend much time together, the little we had was all I needed to smile the rest of the day and the next. You may wonder why he is my best friend when we meet so seldom. The fact that when we first get to see each other, it is worth the waiting, is my reason. Some friends are just like that. The next thing that has played a part of my strange enlightenment was when I had a talk with my friend before the movie. What I realized was that this half-year has not been easy on me. The fact that I broke up from my old place, starting at the uni (where I have been feeling a bit out of place), experiencing that things wasn’t like I thought they would be, getting my heart broken, being let down several times and not feeling that I was cooping with anything has not made my life easy. To not feel secure, knowing that thinks would turn out all right has caused some sleepless nights. Can’t deny that, and I’m sorry if I’m letting down someone now, but I can’t lie?
It is not that I don’t have people around me that cares, but when all of my friends either lives another place or is to busy to keep me company when I really need it. Like to night, my mind is not very kind to me, and I could really need something to keep the thoughts go away. But, hey! I’m not looking for any pity here, just so you know. I’m only expressing what most people feel, but are afraid to admit.

Why have this enlighten me? Well, I have realized that I will grow a lot on this, and therefore thinks will turn out all right. At least, I hope and believe so.

And thanks for comments on my poem, I need it to develop further in my little poetry world.

Good night, I’m exhausted.

First I just want to say thanks for the replies here and other places. It means a lot :)

I'm not going to write much now, because I'm studying for my first uni exam tomorrow. All I want to do is to publish this poem:

Wrong

I've lost the faith
In a boys ability to love
The fact that I no more
Can see&
A real boy falling love with me

You might laugh and think I'm wired
but that's a fact
because what I see
on the movie screen
is not reality to me

Still I'm young and naive
with no experience in the bigger leap
yet it seems even though
I don't have the trust
Falling love is still a must

My heart is pleading me
to take it out of it's misery
Because every time I see you
All I want is to
For once be wrong

Comment:
Well, I wrote this when I wasn't having the best day, and had just seen a soapy, overromantic movie. You may see some of it in the poem. There is not much more I can say about it, cause it speaks for it self. After I had written this poem, I just scribbled a little on the same paper, and this dialouge appered:

- I think I could love you
- You deserve better
- But at the moment I can't do better
- Still you need love
- I know, I'm hopeless
- Someone loves you
- Who?
- Me.

The last couple of months my body hasn’t really been my friend. It has been a real pain in the ass and not made my life easy. It complains even though I give it the best care ever and spoil it away with all those healthy things: good food, exercise, nursing and massage. But still it’s complaining! Spoiled brat I just say…

So today when I was walking home, after spending this nice evening with a good friend, eating sushi, melon and other good stuff; I realized something. It is my life, my body. I own my on body, and therefore I’m the ruler of this body. That means that if I’m stuffed up with having problems, I can overrule it all and demand that everything is going to be nice. I can say no to my stomachs complaining and say that I don’t wanna hear another word from it, I can say that my back and knees can just forget to be a pain in the ass. It is my life, my body and I rule over it! I’m almighty! Yeah.
Oh that felt good, and I’m going to take back the control over my own body. No more funny feelings, no more hurting and aching. It just have to deal with it and except the way I live my life, cause it is not a bad one.

Good night and sleep well! And don’t forget to take control of your own body ;)

... all alone in this world? 'Cause it seems like that sometimes. There are moments where I never get a reply from anyone, no phone call, no textmessage and just workmail... Or probably it is just me, being silly or not interesting enough. yeah, for all I know, I'm the only person that reads this. But that is not that a big loss, 'cause I'm writing this mostly for myself. My way of emptying my head of thoughts.

But if you hear me/read this, could you please be so kind and let me know that I am not alone in this world. not to be stupid or strange, I'm just living up to my human needs...

Finally I have time to write a post. The last week has been insane! And this is going to be a long post… yeah, that is the way it goes when you postpone everything. I’m a bad blogger… But I’m not planning to be best either!

So what have happen since last post? A lot. For starter I was at a Halloween party with a friend of mine. I’m no big fan of American traditions, and I went mostly to get out of the house and to meet some new people. Little did I know that this evening where going to be quite tiresome and expensive. What I learned from this night was 1. I should have taken the last train home, so I didn’t have to use 400 kr on a taxi, 2. I’m finally prioritizing myself and have learned to set lines. With out going in to details, what I mean by that is that I’m starting, and then I just mean starting, to think of myself in some cases, without feeling guilty of doing so. What a relief! And how exhausted I was after that night, even though I where back home about 2 o’clock.

The next day I had a wonderful walk with a friend of mine, where we talked about everything and nothing. It is so nice to sometimes just be present and not do anything special, just to walk around stand in the middle of a roundabout and look at fountains. Just to kid around without any goals. Lovely! By the way – I’d love a professional camera!

The next big thing is of cause the election in the US. The reason why I haven’t mentioned it, is that even though I’m hugely interested, I didn’t feel it fitted in to the context, until now. I went to this kinda “valgvake” – election get together, first at the main student place, where I meet some people from my studies. Later on we walked up to my institute, where we joined some people at another election get together. At 2 o’clock the place closed, so we figured out that we had to find a place to follow the rest. About an hour later I was sitting in a bed with one guy from my studies, and to exchange students, one American and one Australian. The last to are totally nerds on the election, and I had so much fun asking about everything I wondered about. They know everything, like which county that was important in which state. So I could really not have been in better company! The best part was when it was clear that Obama had won. I have no words for it, it was just amazing to watch the speech and sit in the bed with three guys about 5-6 in the morning. Memories for a lifetime! The best, and most funniest part was when I came home and discovered that my landlord had forgot to take his key out of the lock, so that I had to wait 45 min. until he woke up. But it was worth it!

My last big event is this weekend that has newly passed by. I attended a course that focused on how people react in different situations, with main focus on the social life in the organisation I’m active in – Juvente. But the most interesting part of it was when a new good friend of mine told her lifestory infront of everyone. With out saying anything detailed about it, it was an amazing story, and not in the positive direction. I really was shocked and taken aback about those things she have been trough. That is a strong person! And it made me think through my life and that I to often forget to value my friends and the life I have. And when we had a session on how important it is to value yourself and think positive, I felt that I finally have a the right tools to put my life in place and tame the part of me that want so deeply to spoil everything good I have in my life. So I wanna direct a huge gratitude to those that lectured under this course and that have worked out this idea to direct young people into living a better and more enlightened life. To learn people to care about themselves and the once that are close them, is one of the greatest courses and gifts one can get in life. I look upon it as a great help to live a happier and easier life.
What I’m trying to say here is that this weekend has changed my life, and a lot more than what I can barely see now. The effects will first show in a while when I have let things sink in and take a place in my brain and heart.

Before I say good night, I just want to thank everyone that cares about me for doing so. To know that I have people around me that love me, is the best knowledge a person can go to sleep with. You all will always have a special place in my heart!

Good night, and dream about all those extraordinary people in your life that love you!